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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

What is it?





The shy smile for unknown reasons
The silent giggle for the strangers
the warmth of the farway horizon
as it seeps into the very being..
is that it?

The whispers of the mystical breeze
The rustling of the old yellow leaves
The songs of the falling raindrops
And the myriad patterns of the dark clouds
Is that it?

The questioning looks at the mirror
And the splashes at the puddles of water
The multiple glances at the colours
And the heartfelt prayers..
Is that it?

I don’t know what is it
I fold my hands and I bow down
To utter a humble thanks
For letting me feel all this
Whatever it is..
For it connects me to me
And above all to you..

Monday, April 22, 2013

Delhi's unsaid, unheard, unseen tears!

Hi, this is for my city, that I belong to..yes whatever maybe my roots, as every delhite is asked to, I belong to the city!! This is for the pain I experience every day when I hear about the crimes happening there, and how I want to sit on the soil and comfort myself...

You know me as 5000 years old, I have been the capital city, I Have seen wars; seen blood being shed; I have been destroyed and rebuilt. I have cried and tried to comfort my children, tried to tell them I am for all, I don't differentiate. I have seen my child yamnua dying a slow and poisonous death, however hard I have tried yet its my children only that have killed their life source. I have borne many pains but these days I am unable to bear anymore, the soil which still hadn't turned red will turn so now..

I don't understand such savagery, atleast savages who fought wars had a purpose, even if it was as vain as gaining control of my land, but what are these modern day savages doing? What did those innocent souls do to harm them, why oh why please answer me, for I have become old now, why did they rip them apart? For fun? for pleasure? in anger? I cry and cry, and still cant understand..can you answer?

I already carry the burden of being capital, of having borne the weight of those for whose wishes thousands have died, but now my face is covered with my own hands, I cringe when I hear my children saying that they dont want to live here, I feel ashamed that I have not been able to protect my beloved daughters, who fought courageously and I shiver when those savages walk on me, how many such are there? how much burden do I need to carry....

Long ago I had thought, that now the barbarism would stop, that now I would give shelter with my gentle tress, would play music with my warm breeze and would comfort my tired children when they sleep on my moist mud..and all I am doing is soaking the blood of my daughters, the music is of their screams.. I know I cant look them in the eyes..but all I want to say is..I am not the land of savages..I am the land of history, of dreams built like indraprastha and of hope like the qutab minar..dont turn your back on me..I have lots of love to give you..but yes I cant fight those savages..Yes I am ashamed they touch my soil..I wish I could swallow them..yet I hope one day I dont have to see my daughters brutalised..that I one day I finally can rest in peace!

Monday, April 15, 2013

A short love story!

Hi! This one is a sweet love story that I was fortunate to hear about from a very special person, my grandmother. Everytime I see, read or hear stories of apathy, of people being violent for no apparent reason, killing, raping other human beings, I think about this incident and it pacifies me and strengthens my belief that love does heal!!

She sat cross legged on the sofa engrossed in watching the family drama on the TV, her soft white hair framed her face beautifully, her dark brown eyes sparkled with mischief behind the heavy glasses that clouded her vision. She acted as if she didnt care, yet every two seconds she stole glances at the ever so still door. Today was something special, and she had dressed for the occassion, her orange sari with the dark green border contrasted well with her pale skin. She had worn the watch that he had given her 50 years back, it didnt work but it had her initials carved out which touched her skin everytime she rotated it.
The clock was about to strike 1, she noticed ruefully, her grandson would come anytime now..where was he? why did he had to go to meet someone today only? he would not even remember the occasion..but that was nothing new..she smiled to herself, but it was these things only that made him so special!

He waited outside the door, unsure whether to go inside with the gift in his hand, what would people think? He is almost eighty now, these things are for teenagers, yet everytime he saw her he felt like he still was one. What was about her that was so special, that still mystified him, even after 50 years. he straightened his blue kurta, which he had worn specially for the occasion, combed whatever was left of his hair again and rang the doorbell.

She opened it with the smile that had captivated him for all these years, he gave her yellow roses her favorite. she asked with childlike enthusiasm where is my gift?, "I haven't got any" he teased her, when she started to walk away, he held her hand and made her sit alongside him, I have something very special for you, that i have not been able to give you for past 50 years. He opened his wallet to take out an old worn out letter and read to her,

"The first time I saw you along with my brother, I was captivated, I wanted to hold your hand and say there only that I have fallen in love, before that I had not known what love was, what it felt like, but looking at you I realized it meant that all I ever want to do is to make you happy. I know i can only offer you a life of hardship, but trust me I will work to my level best to ensure you are happy and above all I will love you enough to see you are never sad. I hope you like me too, otherwise I wont know how to live.."

She was already laughing before he even ended, and he was angry, you dont have to make fun of it, I know it sounds stupid but..she took his worn out hand in hers and said quietly," You also should know a secret, I have already read this letter, my father had decided against the match, but your younger brother made me read this and I realized I wanted love more than my comforts..and after 50 years today I am glad of my decision, I have never said this but I like how they say it in movies.. I love you" and she blushed and rested her head on his shoulders...She had married an unknown stranger who was her best friend even after 50 years..Love does happen and it does make lives better..it survives against the odds and against and it does make the world a better place to live!!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Musings of a failed romantic

I look out of the window of my rickety bus as it moves along the dusty road to an unknown town. I have no luggage and no destination..yet I am on a journey to discover what is it I want.

I have gathered the broken pieces of my heart, offered them on a platter to a stranger who threw it off again, and again I slowly gathered them; this time with even finer pieces.they hurt me more but they are still mine, to be polished again so that the edge goes away.

Failures have made me stronger, but did I need be? somehow the heart replies a thumping no, it whispers to me, "I have had enough, can you please let me be, I have always loved with all my might, i cant do it or i dont want to do it, will you please let me be?" The head reasons, "No no, this is the time to be, lets work on things, you dont worry I will make it alrite, I will set this, we cant lose just like that, I wont give up, you rest while I will work, ok" But this time heart does cry out, "Enough of this, I wont take it anymore, I give up..."

The bus continues to pass the warm yellow fields ripe with mustard plants, they sway to the musical tones of the breeze, it is as if they are dancing to each other's presence as they embrace. On the tree the cuckoo bird starts singing to add to the music; the eternal romantic in me wakes up again, "how can you give up on something as pure as love, without it you are just like the endless road..." I hunch up and wrap my arms tightly around me.

My nursing healing heart speaks out again, "Why do I need to be stronger, why do I need to be mature, I loved my innocence when I trusted people without thinking, when I loved without thinking of endings, you have made me mature so that I dont cry, so that I understand but you know what I Dont want to, please let me rest..I need to sleep for a long long time...."I feel the tears rolling down while my head warns me against them.but this time I let them be.. 

 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

I have...



I write and delete, write and..
No words are formulated as I think
Random, abstract, mystical
You are there right beside
Yet you are so far away
And all I know of is,
I have tried to run away
I am scared of what I feel
What can happen if I let it be
Yet when I close my eyes
And the silent whispers are uttered
You are in all my prayers
And I just want to say
Before I go away
Into the unknown mysteries
That you fulfil me,
You make me feel what is meant to be
Its for you that I can write
Something that I used to laugh at
Its to you that I would say
So that I have no regret ever
That I love you
With all my heart
Don’t know what tomorrow holds
I wish you find somebody that
You truly love,
I have had that feeling
And I know I cant hold on it
Just once more, I have loved you!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Unsaid expressions..misunderstood??


The winds were so silent, yet so cold. It enveloped me in a cocoon of unknown sorrow and despair. It seemed as if the light had decided to play hide and seek and the menacing darkness was so dense, I was unable to see beyond. I searched desperately to hold your hand, and you stood so far away, I called and called yet you never came to stand beside me and I stood there with warm tears embracing me.

I cower under the expectations, under the masks I am supposed to wear. The walls of ambition that I have built around me start to choke me, I try and build windows and call out your name but you stand with your back towards me, Have I already sent you so far? I call out your name, yet you walk away never giving me a chance.

I walk on the roads that I have never traversed, leaving behind my self, I run and run trying to catch up with you, to transform into whoever you want me to be..I looked around and saw those simling faces; I become jealous and I become sad; I seethe with rage and cry with envy; yet in the end I look solemnly around with just one question..why not me? Why not me?

You never answer me, you never look back. I want to scream, “Its not my fault, its not my fault”. As I stand alone on the crossroads, taking that next step that will take me away from you I just wanted you to say once anything..something…

I gather myself up, and I know its not the end, for I have the unknown with me..and I will decipher it. I have shed enough tears and waited enough..I cant seem to trace your footsteps, not be somebody I am not..this is who I am, who I will be…


Monday, June 27, 2011

Meandering conflicts!

Uncertain routes and silent highways
and a choice to be made at every crossroad
I sit down and I think of all the ways
left behind and the ones I have ahead

I wonder how and whys of every step taken
Yet I walk the same path again..
and fall at all the same turns..
and count it as a learning that wont go away..

I still look for support at the every bend
and turn every stone upside down
to read the scriputers left behind for me
I try and interpret the music of breeze

Yet as alowly the paths gone by fade
and I stand in the shadow of dusk
slowly enveloping me in its warm embrace
I yearn to walk again...