Musings of a failed romantic

I look out of the window of my rickety bus as it moves along the dusty road to an unknown town. I have no luggage and no destination..yet I am on a journey to discover what is it I want.

I have gathered the broken pieces of my heart, offered them on a platter to a stranger who threw it off again, and again I slowly gathered them; this time with even finer pieces.they hurt me more but they are still mine, to be polished again so that the edge goes away.

Failures have made me stronger, but did I need be? somehow the heart replies a thumping no, it whispers to me, "I have had enough, can you please let me be, I have always loved with all my might, i cant do it or i dont want to do it, will you please let me be?" The head reasons, "No no, this is the time to be, lets work on things, you dont worry I will make it alrite, I will set this, we cant lose just like that, I wont give up, you rest while I will work, ok" But this time heart does cry out, "Enough of this, I wont take it anymore, I give up..."

The bus continues to pass the warm yellow fields ripe with mustard plants, they sway to the musical tones of the breeze, it is as if they are dancing to each other's presence as they embrace. On the tree the cuckoo bird starts singing to add to the music; the eternal romantic in me wakes up again, "how can you give up on something as pure as love, without it you are just like the endless road..." I hunch up and wrap my arms tightly around me.

My nursing healing heart speaks out again, "Why do I need to be stronger, why do I need to be mature, I loved my innocence when I trusted people without thinking, when I loved without thinking of endings, you have made me mature so that I dont cry, so that I understand but you know what I Dont want to, please let me rest..I need to sleep for a long long time...."I feel the tears rolling down while my head warns me against them.but this time I let them be.. 

 

I have...

I write and delete, write and..

No words are formulated as I think

Random, abstract, mystical

You are there right beside

Yet you are so far away

And all I know of is,

I have tried to run away

I am scared of what I feel

What can happen if I let it be

Yet when I close my eyes

And the silent whispers are uttered

You are in all my prayers

And I just want to say

Before I go away

Into the unknown mysteries

That you fulfil me,

You make me feel what is meant to be

Its for you that I can write

Something that I used to laugh at

Its to you that I would say

So that I have no regret ever

That I love you

With all my heart

Don’t know what tomorrow holds

I wish you find somebody that

You truly love,

I have had that feeling

And I know I cant hold on it

Just once more, I have loved you!

Unsaid expressions..misunderstood??

The winds were so silent, yet so cold. It enveloped me in a cocoon of unknown sorrow and despair. It seemed as if the light had decided to play hide and seek and the menacing darkness was so dense, I was unable to see beyond. I searched desperately to hold your hand, and you stood so far away, I called and called yet you never came to stand beside me and I stood there with warm tears embracing me.

I cower under the expectations, under the masks I am supposed to wear. The walls of ambition that I have built around me start to choke me, I try and build windows and call out your name but you stand with your back towards me, Have I already sent you so far? I call out your name, yet you walk away never giving me a chance.

I walk on the roads that I have never traversed, leaving behind my self, I run and run trying to catch up with you, to transform into whoever you want me to be..I looked around and saw those simling faces; I become jealous and I become sad; I seethe with rage and cry with envy; yet in the end I look solemnly around with just one question..why not me? Why not me?

You never answer me, you never look back. I want to scream, “Its not my fault, its not my fault”. As I stand alone on the crossroads, taking that next step that will take me away from you I just wanted you to say once anything..something…

I gather myself up, and I know its not the end, for I have the unknown with me..and I will decipher it. I have shed enough tears and waited enough..I cant seem to trace your footsteps, not be somebody I am not..this is who I am, who I will be…

Meandering conflicts!

Uncertain routes and silent highways
and a choice to be made at every crossroad
I sit down and I think of all the ways
left behind and the ones I have ahead

I wonder how and whys of every step taken
Yet I walk the same path again..
and fall at all the same turns..
and count it as a learning that wont go away..

I still look for support at the every bend
and turn every stone upside down
to read the scriputers left behind for me
I try and interpret the music of breeze

Yet as alowly the paths gone by fade
and I stand in the shadow of dusk
slowly enveloping me in its warm embrace
I yearn to walk again...

Reminiscence !

Unanswered, untouched...there are silent whisperings
which flow with the warm breeze slowly..
I look across the deep blue skies for a few moments
and close my eyes with memories...

They are within me, yet I stand outside
and watch as they unfold with a stranger's viewpoint
I wish I could mould them, yet I am impassive
as watch the colours mingle and fade away!

I smile and I laugh, I squirm and I cry
as the snapshots pass by, Was it a mirage?
or reality of illusions....I ask away questions
I wish to hold the sand, as it slowly slips away!

I watch them leave me as I open my eyes
to embrace the new ones, which I need to have
as the moments silently slip by
and I change from the spectator to the actor!!

College days and the bus rides!!

This post is dedicated to three great years at BMMMC- to decode the terminology, bachelor's of Mass Media and Mass Communication ( There is no honours in the name of the degree :P). The first thing I remember very distinctly from the first ever speech given to us was the term 'bra-burning' protests as the part of the feminist revolution happening around the world, for someone who didnt even used to see MTV videos ( for I was studying for those elusive 90 percentages in boards), I was glad this would be different and that it completely turned out to be :)

From watching films morning to evening, to acting like snobs when walking in the campus area, sneering at other courses (I wont say I am proud, but yeah that was fun :P), from being called as a batch to prinicipal's office every other day to the shoots and ideation sessions! It was never ending course work. The vicious fights over work, to writing scripts and searching for people who would work for us without money, to directing a final film :P..

In the midst of many gradual transformations happening and getting used to the idea of a girl's college were the people I met, who remain close friends till date ! Here there needs to be a special mention to the bus rides- and the two people involved in the same- Shaina and Shekha!!

The Endless waiting for DTC busses to come, to save 10 bucks everyday to Shaina providing us everyday laughter particularly 'THE FLYING INCIDENT' where in a crowded bus as the driver suddenly put his foot on the brake and it screeched to halt, Miss Kumar as she believed in travelling without holding the handle above, flew from where she was standing to hitting the Iron rod just before the exit gate, about 5m distance ( I am sure it really hurt her but no one could stop laughing :P) and the entire bus burst out laughing only remembering later to ask her if that hurt (Doesnt show me and shekha as being very good friends, but then such was the sight!)

I still get tears in my eyes laughing whenever I remember the incident and a sigh of relief when I remember the crazy deadlines for the projects, where all the photocopy and binding people had a lot of fun at our expense!! Thanks a ton Kamna, shekha, shaina, vartikka, shampee, misra, akansha for all the fun!!

Phoenix...

Slowly rhythmically it burnt
with just a quiver..
the air was filled with smoke
behind the unseen wafts of ashes
It was there..

Was it the celebration of change?
It wondered sarcastically
or just the curiosity of transformation
the definition of meaning
was still cluttered with euphemisms...

Silently it saw everything melt away
unknown unfelt into nothingness
with just its musings left behind
and the promise of beginnings
It closed its eyes...